Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Gerald the Giraffe - Killing badgers since 2002.

This is a story about Gerald, a lowly giraffe living on an island in a pond in a park, while not a very exciting story or even a coherent one, it does feature such words as giraffe and badger.

One day, Gerald, while he was ensconced in his usual daily routine of badger killing and poking human babies with severed cat tails decided that today would be the day that he would reach the milestone of 1000 badgers killed in the month of September (a record he has actually achieved and in several cases, beaten, every single month since the badger outbreak on 2001) so off he went to the badger shelter.

A little info on the shelter, its sort of like a farm, you know? It's also a warehouse, hotel, diner, work force, employment office and secret government run exclusively by badgers for the public to observe. Gerald goes here on a weekly basis in order to fulfill his quota of dead badgers, he needs to do this, not out of necessity but out of rage, anger and spite. Today's shop started out the same way as usually, upon entering the shop, Gerald would ask for directions and then stomp upon the employee until there was nothing but and hoof print made of blood and hair on the floor, this time however, the badger was in armor, an odd occurrence to be sure but Gerald proceeded with his routine. Next up was the gathering, a ritual whereby no less than 120 badgers are placed in a container which can hold no more than 122.

Gerald was only able to find 43 on his first pass, but quickly captured the scurrying buggers on his second pass. It was on this pass that he ran into Bossu, a small rabbit like being with only one nostril and bright pink fur, Bossu is possibly gay but there is no conclusive evidence to state that as a fact. Anyhoo, Bossu suggests that Gerald head up to the upper floors of the farm as there is some sort of general meeting taking place. The upper floors, while usually off limits are fairly quiet, too quiet and before Gerald can react he is taken captive.

14 days pass by and Gerald is still in a holding cell, being a giraffe, his neck is about 24 foot long and he is in a room that 7 foot tall, if you were to look in from outside there pretty much wall to wall giraffe squashed in there. As it turns out, the badgers had decided enough was enough and stopped Gerald in his tracks, their goal is to keep him confined until a suitable punishment.

During this time, Bossu, who had watched the entire event transpire was planning a break out, however, someone landed a helicopter on him and that's the end of that.

Another 40 days pass and Gerald is still stuck and the badgers are still scheming but they come to a conclusion: the same fate that many of their comrades have faced countless times before, they take Gerald outside and jump on him, every badger in the world jumps in until theres nothing left but red and white fur and faint laughter of Gerald's final words echoing in the wind...

...And that kids, is how Christmas and New Years came to be.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Oh the huge manatee - A tale of a fat sea creature.

There once was a Manatee called Jeremy, who lived in a dynamic fluid called water, now, Jeremy had long desired to be considered the best of his class at swimming or whatever manatees do in their daily routines, this had occurred when one of his friends had challenged him to a swim when he just wasn’t bothered to do so, he was then called a daft creature by the community and exiled for the hell of it.

Jeremy vowed to one day return and win the local swimming tourney so off he went into the wilderness. After floating for 13 days he happened upon and strange metallic item in the sea, placing it carefully into his pack of holding (he had a pack of holding you see, should have mentioned that at the start) and carried on, 3 hours later he found another piece and this carried on for the next few days, soon he had enough to build a ship capable of interstellar travel along with a suit capable to sustaining his life while in space (he was going to space to gain the skills you see, should have mentioned that too.) The suit was a fairly tight fit but at least allowed some fin movement, here is an artists impression of the suit and ship:

As you can see from the above, the design is quite intricate and time consuming, the thought of space pushed Jeremy to fire up the ISD (Interstellar Drive) and hit the skies.

- A few questions should be answered at this point on how a manatee could make a ship, the answer is manatee power, and how does the ship move? You guess it, manatee power, where did the metal come from? Yup, manatee power! You see, the humble manatee has the ability to create crap by thinking of it, it can even gain intelligence by imagining intelligence; nature is great isn't it? Enough of this, back to the main event.

Jeremy hit the atmosphere, it wasn't the most easy of transitions but he made it out there, alive and well, suit & ship intact, it took Jeremy a further 412 years to make it throughout the galaxy, his manatee power sustaining and prolonging his life (the average manatee lifespan is 301 years) until he eventually reached his goal of Unk'pi'hrt'zhioh (pronounced Anvil)

Upon landing, the natives of the planet gathered and welcomed the space faring sea cow and presented him with a basket of kiwi fruit, rats, 3 lions, a turtle named Peterson and some paper. Jeremy was most grateful for his gifts that he loaned them his ship for 23 minutes while he had a little sleep, upon awakening he proceeded to the mountain of truth, knowledge and teeth to finalise his training.
The road up the mountain was filled with plants and people of all shapes and sizes who all seemed to meow at his as he ascended, upon reaching the top he found the truth master, a being endowed with all the knowledge of the universe, however, since the planet was devoid of water the master was unable to put the practical swimming training into use and instead, instructed Jeremy to proceed south to the deepest reaches of space where he would meet him when he arrived.

The journey took several days but before long, he made it, and just as the master said, he was waiting there for Jeremy to arrive. This particular planet was made entirely of water which made it ideal for the training. A further 4 years went by and Jeremy was turning into a master swimmer, he could do sea donuts, loops and speed swimming, he was content and happy with his training, the master nodded and told Jeremy that he was now ready to win the tournament so he left and started his long journey back to earth, but stopped off to say by to his friends and to pick up some lions for the trip back. Soon after leaving the planet Jeremy was kidnapped by the Yughlighg clan, a race of space otters who hailed from over there ---->

The Yughlighg kept Jeremy in captivity for several weeks before they let him go as he wasn't the manatee they were looking for. It turned out that several other manatee had left Earth in search of Jeremy but also knowledge, and chips, but had got lost, rumour has it that these rogues are often mistaken for comets due to their size and general lethargy.

Several hundred years later, Jeremy reached Earth and went back to his family in the water, they were glad to see him but wondered why he bothered to go in the first place, after explaining, they all had a big lion meal and went to bed in preparation for the next days swim tourney. Jeremy awoke early and got in a bit of practice which he won (despite being on his own) and considered himself ready for the challenge, 5 hours later, everyone had gathered and in a blistering display of speed, Jeremy won the competition, injuring several spectators in the process and reducing the other competitors to watery tears.

So ends this particular tale of Jeremy, but not the end of his random adventures in space, his tale is told to all young manatee so they have something to aspire too in life, a statue erected to show the event and, in fact, the entire adventure was placed in the sea as a reminder to all that manatee power is real. Jeremy himself went off on his own one night looking for more adventures, he hasn't been seen in a while but legend says that he will be back...and soon, but for good, or, evil?