Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Gerald the Giraffe - Killing badgers since 2002.

This is a story about Gerald, a lowly giraffe living on an island in a pond in a park, while not a very exciting story or even a coherent one, it does feature such words as giraffe and badger.

One day, Gerald, while he was ensconced in his usual daily routine of badger killing and poking human babies with severed cat tails decided that today would be the day that he would reach the milestone of 1000 badgers killed in the month of September (a record he has actually achieved and in several cases, beaten, every single month since the badger outbreak on 2001) so off he went to the badger shelter.

A little info on the shelter, its sort of like a farm, you know? It's also a warehouse, hotel, diner, work force, employment office and secret government run exclusively by badgers for the public to observe. Gerald goes here on a weekly basis in order to fulfill his quota of dead badgers, he needs to do this, not out of necessity but out of rage, anger and spite. Today's shop started out the same way as usually, upon entering the shop, Gerald would ask for directions and then stomp upon the employee until there was nothing but and hoof print made of blood and hair on the floor, this time however, the badger was in armor, an odd occurrence to be sure but Gerald proceeded with his routine. Next up was the gathering, a ritual whereby no less than 120 badgers are placed in a container which can hold no more than 122.

Gerald was only able to find 43 on his first pass, but quickly captured the scurrying buggers on his second pass. It was on this pass that he ran into Bossu, a small rabbit like being with only one nostril and bright pink fur, Bossu is possibly gay but there is no conclusive evidence to state that as a fact. Anyhoo, Bossu suggests that Gerald head up to the upper floors of the farm as there is some sort of general meeting taking place. The upper floors, while usually off limits are fairly quiet, too quiet and before Gerald can react he is taken captive.

14 days pass by and Gerald is still in a holding cell, being a giraffe, his neck is about 24 foot long and he is in a room that 7 foot tall, if you were to look in from outside there pretty much wall to wall giraffe squashed in there. As it turns out, the badgers had decided enough was enough and stopped Gerald in his tracks, their goal is to keep him confined until a suitable punishment.

During this time, Bossu, who had watched the entire event transpire was planning a break out, however, someone landed a helicopter on him and that's the end of that.

Another 40 days pass and Gerald is still stuck and the badgers are still scheming but they come to a conclusion: the same fate that many of their comrades have faced countless times before, they take Gerald outside and jump on him, every badger in the world jumps in until theres nothing left but red and white fur and faint laughter of Gerald's final words echoing in the wind...

...And that kids, is how Christmas and New Years came to be.

No comments: